The Outstandingly Heterosexual Adventures of Chanel Oberlin
by MTL17
Summary: Chanel just doesn't understand how anyone could think she's gay. Or in love with #5. Set In Season 2.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scream Queens. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.**

"Why did you stop?" Chanel frowned.

#5 bit her lip, and then after a long pause asked, "Chanel... do, do you think you could take over just for a bit?"

"Don't be ridiculous #5!" Chanel exclaimed, "That would be like super gay, and I've told you like a million times, I'm not gay."

#5 frowned, and look down to check she hadn't imagined it, and no, they were both really naked except for the dildo which was currently buried inside her and strapped around Chanel's waist. Then she looked back at the other blonde and pointed out, "But we've been having sex for hours?"

"We most certainly have not!" Chanel practically screamed.

"We haven't?" #5 frowned.

"Of course not." Chanel said, before sighing, "God #5, don't you know it's only gay if your giving, not receiving? So the past few hours was just me graciously allowing my total lesbo of a minion to masturbate me, and just because I'm wearing the dick now doesn't change anything as long as I'm nice and still. So you, as the gay one, have to keep doing all the work, otherwise you make this weird."

There was another long pause and then #5 asked, "What about when you went down on me?"

"That was just me being gracious enough to make sure you were ready for the dildo, duh?" Chanel pointed out, "Besides, I'm super straight, so obviously anything I do with a girl doesn't count as sex."

Yet another long pause and then #5 admitted, "I don't get it."

"That's because you're a moron." Chanel huffed, "Now do you want to cum or not?"

There was a brief pause and then #5 sighed and started bouncing up and down again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scream Queens. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.**

"So, you and #5." Sadie a.k.a. #3 said out of the blue, not even looking up from her magazine.

Without turning to her friend Chanel replied, "Me and #5 what?"

There was a long pause, then just as Chanel was beginning to believe #3 hadn't heard her or had just spaced out #3 stated in her usual dry tone, "You're like... a couple."

"Don't be disgusting #3! I'm not a fucking dyke!" Chanel snapped angrily.

"You no it doesn't matter, right?" #3 said, finally looking at the other girl, "We're not in a sorority any more."

"Life is a sorority." Chanel said bitterly, "You're either in and on top, or you don't matter."

"I was in a sorority, and I'm not straight." #3 said softly, almost reaching a hand over to Chanel but thinking better of it. Then after another long pause added, "You at least don't have to pretend with me, cause I accidentally saw you two doing it and-"

"Hey, just because I ride her face sometimes doesn't make me gay!" Chanel snapped, "Everybody knows it's gay to give, not to receive."

#3 smirked, "I saw you fingering her."

"That's just because I like the faces she pulls when she cums!" Chanel snapped, louder than before. Then pure horror crossed her face and then she lamely protested, "They're, erm, you know funny. And weird. And, and it's pretty much just masturbation. It totally doesn't count."

"I don't know, masturbating another girl sounds pretty gay to me." #3 smiled, turning back to her magazine, "And I saw you cuddling. And yeah, that could have just been a moment of weakness. But the way you looked at her, smiled at her, slid your fingers through her hair as she slept in your arms... that's not just sex, or minions with benefits or whatever. That's love. And you should tell her. Be with her. Whatever. Because really, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks?"

There was another long pause and then Chanel practically growled through gritted teeth, "I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you don't stop right now I will fucking destroy you."

#3 opened her mouth briefly, then thought better of it and closed it and then mimicked zipping her lips, plunging the room into silence again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scream Queens. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.**

Dean Munsch sighed, "Chanel this is unacceptable! How many times do I have to tell you, you can't have sex in a hospital."

"Excuse you, I was not having sex!" Chanel exclaimed indignantly.

"Chanel, I caught you." Dean Munsch said in disbelief.

"Yeah, masturbating. Which is embarrassing, but it wasn't sex." Chanel protested.

"Why, because it was with a girl?" Dean Munsch said dryly, looking at the blushing #5 sitting next to Chanel, "Or because it was #5?"

"Neither." Chanel said simply, "Hello, it was just a little fingering. Everyone knows fingering doesn't count. Or do you think you have sex every time you see a gynaecologist?"

Dean Munsch frowned, "It was hardly a check-up."

"It kind of was." Chanel smiled, looking at her minion, "I'm still looking for those vagina teeth."

"My vagina doesn't have teeth!" #5 snapped, talking for the first time since they entered Dean Munsch's office. Then #5 turned to Dean Munsch and pointed out, "Besides, we barely got started when you barged in. And I didn't even get to go down on Chanel."

Dean Munsch raised an eyebrow at Chanel, and Chanel sighed and explained, "Normally I just let #5 get me off as it helps us both concentrate on work, but sometimes her girl boner is so big I have no choice but to help her out, because that's just the kind of generous person I am. Besides, the faces she makes when she cums are hilarious."

There was a long silence and then Dean Munsch said in disbelief, "And you seriously don't think that counts?"

"As sex? Hell no!" Chanel exclaimed indignantly, "Weren't you listening? Are you really going deaf already? And shouldn't you know this stuff already, given how old you are. Or was sex really so different back in the fucking Stone Age."

"Look!" Dean Munsch snapped, before smiling sweetly, "I don't really care what your generation wants to call it, you can't keep doing it in the hospital. For God sakes Chanel, this is the third time we've had this conversation."

"And I keep telling you, if you'd just mind your own business we wouldn't have too." Chanel snapped.

"And what about all those times you didn't catch us, huh?" #5 helpfully pointed out, "They've got to count for something, right?"

Dean Munsch glared and then said, "Let me make this clear, if I catch you two again doing anything remotely sexual around the hospital, with each other or anyone else, I'm sending both of you back to cleaning bedpans."

Chanel's eyes went wide, "You wouldn't dare?"

"Try me." Dean Munsch glared.

There was another pause, then Chanel let out a high-pitched scream and stormed out of the office. Then #5 pointed out, "You know, it really wasn't that bad. It's not like we were taking up an empty room this time, and that guy in the coma didn't even wake up even though we were almost right on top of him."

"#5!" Chanel screamed from outside the door, "Come on, we're going home so we can finish what we started."

"Coming." #5 called out, scurrying out of the room after one last apologetic look at Dean Munsch.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scream Queens. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.**

"Are you... on your phone?" Dr Brock frowned.

"I'm on Snapchat." Chanel giggled, holding her phone closer to his face, "Look, it makes people look like dogs. Isn't it funny?"

"We're having sex!" Dr Brock pointed out with disbelief.

"Fine, I'll stop." Chanel sighed after a couple of long seconds, before giggling.

"What now?" Dr Brock grumbled.

"Oh, just something #5 sent me. It's so funny." Chanel smiled fondly, "Of course, she doesn't mean to be funny. That's what makes it funny, you know? And the fact that she is just so dumb. Like, if I wasn't there all the time to remind her to put on clothes she'd walk around naked. Which is so funny. Infuriating, but funny... what?"

"Nothing." Dr Brock said unconvincingly, before quickly adding, "But could you maybe stop talking about #5. I had enough of that at dinner. And in the car. And whenever we talk. In fact no talking would be good right now. And please for the love of God will you put down your phone!"

"Fine." Chanel sighed, grudgingly putting down her phone and then holding up her hands.

Then after a few more minutes of gentle thrusting Dr Brock exclaimed in frustration, "Are you even enjoying this?"

Chanel pulled a face, "Erm, no. Duh."

"What?" Dr Brock murmured in disbelief.

"Oh come on Dr Brock, you don't seriously still believe women actually enjoy sex, do you?" Chanel sighed, rolling her eyes, "That's like believing in the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, or freaking Santa Claus."

"Chanel, I've been with a lot of women who enjoy sex." Dr Brock frowned.

"You mean you've been with a lot of women who are good at faking it." Chanel said flatly, "I mean come on, who would actually enjoy having a real penis in their vagina? Gross. No, it's a well known fact that straight women, like myself, just have to lie back and let men do whatever they need to do in order to get jewellery and stuff. You're a doctor Dr Brock, you should really know this stuff."

Dr Brock sighed, ignoring that warped logic and asked, "Well, what do you like?"

Chanel look thoughtful for a second and then said, "Well, you could go down on me. Who doesn't like that? But I know guys find it gross, and you're hot so you don't have too."

"Oh no, if you actually think you'll enjoy it, I'd love too." Dr Brock smiled, slowly making his way down the young girl's body.

"Oh ya." Chanel beamed, shutting her eyes tight and actually kind of enjoying herself for a few minutes. Then, without her permission, something escaped from her lips, "Oh #5."

"You have got to be kidding me!" Dr Brock exclaimed, getting up in a fit of rage.

"What?" Chanel glared angrily.

Swallowing his anger Dr Brock sighed, "Chanel, have you ever considered you might be gay?"

"Erm, no." Chanel frowned, "Why, have you?"

"Yes." Dr Brock said simply, and then when Chanel's eyes went wide he quickly explained, "It's perfectly normal to consider the possibility. For most people it's an easy question. To refuse to even consider the possibility is often a sign of deep-seated denial."

Chanel blinked a few times, then asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Just... just that you should really have a really long, deep think and really allow yourself to answer the question honestly." Dr Brock said.

"I don't need too. I'm normal." Chanel said simply, "There's nothing weird about me. I'm 100% straight."

"Then why are you moaning #5?" Dr Brock asked.

"Oh, that." Chanel said dismissively, "That's just something I used to do for Chad. He loved it when I moaned girls names. It made him think of all the chicks he wanted to bang."

"Really, it was his idea?" Dr Brock asked.

"Yes. Totally." Chanel smiled, before rolling her eyes when Dr Brock gave her a look, "Alright fine, it was just because he wanted me to moan other names than #5. But it's not like that means anything. The dumb bitch is just always on my mind. Like, all the time. I want her to go away, because she's always here. In my head. Driving me crazy. But I mean, I wasn't even trying to think about her this time, so are you sure that's what you heard? I mean you are pretty old. You could be just hearing things."

Dr Brock stared in disbelief for a few long seconds and then said, "Yeah, I'm gonna go, but-"

"Wait, why?" Chanel exclaimed, "Aren't you having fun?"

"Well-" Dr Brock began.

"Cause I can try riding you if you want." Chanel offered, "I made #5 buy a strap-on so I could practice. I was going to save it for a special occasion, but... why do you keep staring at me like that?"

Dr Brock shook his head, "Chanel, I'm going to give you the number of another type of doctor, okay?"

"Is he hot?" Chanel asked.

Instead of answering her question Dr Brock quickly got dressed and left, leaving Chanel to text #5 to finish the job Dr Brock started.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Scream Queens. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.**

"What the hell #5!" Chanel exclaimed.

Lifting her head from in between Chanel's legs #5 sighed, "What?"

"Why is the creepy stalker who writes fan fiction about the Chanels all having sex suddenly writing about things that actually happened?" Chanel glared.

#5 blushed furiously, then frowned, "I thought you said you didn't read those stories."

"Only when you're going down on me, and surely you can understand why I wouldn't want to advertise that to everyone. They might mistake it for me acting gay, despite the fact that it's obvious it's only gay if you're the giver. Receiving doesn't count. Obviously." Chanel rolled her eyes, and then snapped, "Now stop avoiding the question!"

"Erm..." #5 tried to stall for time, "What was the question?"

"Have you been telling what's his face about the things I let you do to me?" Chanel said through gritted teeth, "God, why am I even asking? Of course you have. No one else was there. I made sure of it. So the real question is, what got into your little pea brain to think that this was appropriate?"

There was a long pause and then #5 whined, "It's just that... there was just so many stories, and they were all wrong. That's not how it happened. We don't act that way. You don't, you don't tell me that you love me. And you certainly don't have sex with #3. Do you?"

"Of course not." Chanel glared, "No way that bitch would keep her mouth shut."

"Exactly." #5 smiled, "I just figured if that was stuff was going up anyway, at least some of it should be right."

Chanel stared at her minion for a long time, and then glared, "Do you have sex with #3?"

"What?" #5 said, her eyes going wide.

"Do you have sex with #3?" Chanel repeated accusingly, then quickly backtracked, "I mean, I don't care. Of course I don't care. Who said I even care? And I keep telling you, we're not having sex, so it doesn't even matter. But... are you?"

"Erm, no." #5 said indignantly, adding without thinking, "I would never do that to you Chanel. I'm yours."

There was a long pause, and then Chanel glared, "Did you tell him about our first time?"

"No way." #5 said flatly, before adding with a smile, "That's special."

Another pause then Chanel asked, "Could you?"

"What?" #5 frowned.

"Could you write about the first time I let you go down on me?" Chanel asked, "Obviously I don't want you to send it to that stalker, but the stories are actually pretty hot, and obviously written by you, so write a version and send it to me so I can read it."

"Yes Chanel." #5 said, trying to get up.

"Not now you idiot hooker!" Chanel exclaimed angrily, "You need to make me cum first."

"Yes Chanel." #5 said bashfully, before lowering her head to where it felt like it belonged.


End file.
